


Doubt

by luminerd



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: F/F, SuperCorp, and needs a hug, ish, kinda slowburn, lena is my sad child, partly dealing with sad feels over it all, partly delving into lena's feelings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-15
Updated: 2017-02-26
Packaged: 2018-09-24 12:49:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9727571
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/luminerd/pseuds/luminerd
Summary: Kara makes her first move- and Lena wholeheartedly does not believe she deserves it.





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> the story started as a headcanon of what might happen if supercorp became canon- and sort of spiraled from there. it was going to be a one-shot... until it wasn't anymore. lol
> 
> minor warning: depression, anxiety, abandonment, and low self esteem commentary
> 
> hope you guys enjoy!

Lena Luthor had made her job fraught with the capability of communication. She spent her hours toiling along the good ol’ boys networks, forcing her way through the glass ceiling with every hour, and shook their hands with a smile on her lips as if she hadn’t gone through a marathon to do so. The lines were so practiced, repeated ad nauseum to the point that they were a natural part to her- saying “I’m so glad to see you” to dignitaries from other companies only left a foul taste on her lips, sounding more like honey to those hearing them. She understood her place in this life, and knew that repairing the damage to the company’s image took precedence far more than personal feelings over various male associates who chuckled at her visage and dismissed her as a worthy opponent on the battle for sales. This was not new, and she was good at what she did.

And yet… standing on the corner of a street she couldn’t recall, facing the awkward dimples of a woman she adored to spend time around… The words could not come as quickly, nor as easily. It was one thing to learn that one of your two true friends within the bounds of the city just happened to be the same person- that was something she’d come to figure on her own, and, despite the initial sadness and bitterness that had come from it, she got past it. But to find out that the girl- whose blond hair that shimmered in the light like a goddess, who looked ethereal in moonlight, whose eyes shone with a balance of glee and sadness in the varying colors of blue in her gaze…

To find out that she had feelings for the business woman was something that had taken her by surprise.

Lena’s cheeks tinged with red, she shuffled almost silently for a moment, her green eyes wide with a surprise that she wasn’t sure anyone might understand. She swallowed- only to curse her current reaction, knowing all too well that the Kryptonian could hear the thumping of her heart as it raced. The dark haired woman could already read it in the girl’s stare- the brunette’s features didn’t match the excitement that the blond had likely hoped for, didn’t see the minute details that would send the young alien careening with joy. There was apprehension- her tense shoulders, her clenched jaw, the way the paler woman’s fingers clutched tightly at her purse like a final lifeline. Even if she tried to hide such things, the Kryptonian before her could read her like a novel in her native language, see things in a blink of an eye and calculate faster than the men that the business woman was forced to shake hands with on the daily.

“You don’t… have to… do anything,” the blond started, hiding her disappointment in the way she almost curled into herself, her arm crossing before her breast and her hand reaching to fix the glasses hanging upon the bridge of her nose. It was a defense mechanism- things that Lena had learned to see, learned to control, learned to hide from prying eyes. “I just- I thought I should, you know, let you know- but I get it if you-”

“Kara.” The Luthor woman nearly jumped at her own voice- a quiet tone that few had ever heard, a subtle tremor in her tone as she did her best to lessen her tight hands upon her bag. She had to backtrack, to… explain. Noted, she could explain the ins and outs of a project, of the R and D resources she and her people had come across to create. She could explain her life like the paperwork upon her desk- efficient, cold, informational…

But there was something in her that was not as keen nor capable of… these sort of things.

Crystal orbs pulsed before her, and Lena could almost see the ache already rooting itself within the girl. Her jaw clenched, emeralds softening as she inhaled slow and deep, careful to fill her lungs before the panic officially set in. Her friend looked at her as though she held the key to doom itself in her grasp- hopeful yet resigned, understanding yet still poised in silent prayer.

Still, the words came slow, dripping from her tongue equally like poison and wine, mixing in her breath. “I’m… broken.” It was an admonishment- true, factual- and she could already see the disagreement rising from Kara’s lips before she heard it start. Still, she lifted a hand- trembling, something she hated to show, to do- and her palm flattened in a silent askance for time to finish her thought. The reporter quelled, albeit for only a short while- it was plain as the day itself that she’d fight her on that simple statement. Nonetheless, the brunette continued. “I’m… not good at this,” she admitted lowly, averting her gaze from the woman before her, clearing her throat as her fingers brushed a strand of darkened hair aside. “I’ve… explained how I was raised, right?”

“Terribly,” the blond answered, frustration building in her azure stare, a pout on her lips as the other hand moved to cross before her. Lena’s lips curled in a small smile, unable to help herself, the protectiveness of the woman something like fresh air after twenty years of suffocation. She wasn’t wrong- a father that did not care, a mother who did not love, a brother who pretended before sending his assassins after her… Family was a difficult issue for them both, and yet Kara validated every feeling of abandonment she’d ever felt with them.

Still… their venom remained, cooking within, having changed her into something she barely wanted to see in the mirror. “I… can’t ask you to take that on, Kara.” Her words were measured, assured in her tone- even as it broke at the sound of the other girl’s name. Green orbs blinked, wet with memories that likely would never truly go away, and a pair of blue watched, waiting, almost obviously biting her tongue in an effort to give that time and space that had been asked for. “My family… They… destroyed that part of me.”

“No, they didn’t.” Kara’s words were firm, filled with a belief that the business woman wished that she held in herself. Soft fingers reached, suddenly gentle against her palm as the Kryptonian lightly pried her paler fingers from her purse. “You… You are so wonderful... and loving, and kind, and-”

“I’m breaking at the seams, Kara.” Lena’s voice cracked like rubble in an earthquake, the shake in her tone far too evident to play off. A part of her felt grateful for the darkness of the night, for the fact that the people who usually stalked these streets had families and loved ones to return to. It was a stark contrast for her- and she was not blind to the irony of the admonishment at this empty corner of Central City, where before her a woman was asking for something that the Luthor was not sure she could give. “You don’t- You don’t deserve that.” The dark haired twenty-four year old closed her eyes, feeling as a tear fell without her permission, feeling her heart ache at the weakness she was showing her. “You deserve someone who- who can love you, Kara, not…” She swallowed once more. “Not me.”

The palm in the grasp of the powerful woman before her lifted, a slow, soft butterfly kiss from lips too perfect, too gentle, too kind left upon her hand.

It didn’t feel fair. She wanted this, and this moment. She wanted to easily return the feelings as they had been given to her- but her family had made her terrified of what those feelings might bring. Love was fleeting- that was all she’d ever known, but it was something that had alluded her like grains of sand through her fingertips. The dredges remained stuck on her fingers, but always dripped through the cracks until it disappeared. Her father, who tried to love her, put the world on her shoulders so that she may succeed in his absence- until he stopped trying to prove his ability. Her mother hadn’t even tried, and threw her under the proverbial bus so to prove that Alexander had been the superior being among them. Her brother… He showed her a kindness, only to punch her in the heart.

And now, as a sob escaped her lips, she only felt the softness of Kara’s palms holding her own. It did not matter how often her heart raced at the sight of the girl. It did not matter that she ached for reciprocation of all the things that remained between them unsaid- and how she now ached for the inability to give it. It didn’t matter.

She didn’t matter.

“I wish you could see yourself like I do,” she felt the Kryponian whisper, her warm breath brushing against the skin of Lena’s fingers. Slowly, green looked down upon the young woman who had curled herself protectively around her hand, the girl’s touch soft. Kara’s azure gaze centered upon the business woman’s palm, a delicate hold on it as she traced slow circular patterns upon the back of it. Gingerly, the reporter looked up, taking hold of the other’s gaze once more as she weighed her words. “But… I understand.” The blond’s fingers slowly interlaced with the brunette’s, giving her time and ability to pull away if need be. The Luthor stood, unmoving, waiting- but she did not retrieve her limb, no matter how her mind was screaming at her to run. “Just… I’m going to be here for you, Lena.” The measured words strung themselves awkwardly between them, yet she could feel the genuineness of them despite it all. “No matter what happens, I… want to be here for you, and show you the person I see. Okay?” 

The dark haired woman swallowed, forcing down the feelings as they threatened to shed yet another tear. Weakness was too difficult- especially now, when Kara had seen too much of it already. The blue eyes before her watched- hopeful despite the warnings, gentle despite the way she’d been pushed away. “I… do want this,” Lena whispered softly, almost too soft for anyone to hear. Almost. “You.” She inhaled once more, slow and deliberate, pacing herself as she tried her damnest to shove her feelings back inside to be dealt with another time, another day. “I just don’t know if I…”

“Don’t worry about that.” The Kryptonian’s words hung tender on her tongue, lifting their conjoined hands together to press a soft kiss against the brunette’s knuckle. “Let’s work on it… one day at a time.” She paused, letting the hands fall between them, never breaking. “Together.”

Lena could only give a thankful nod in return as they made their way hand and hand down the city street, walking down a line of unknown beginning, middle and end. Kara only smiled.


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kara is trying. Lena wishes she could do more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this took a little longer to post up than i thought that it would. i've been going through some times and needed to read and re-read the whole thing several times before i was comfortable posting it. i hope it's okay.

For Lena Luthor, there were many things in her life that she had a handle on.  Her workplace was by her own design, with time to lead and to tinker alongside her scientists rather than wait off to the side to do things that the business would make money from.  It was a group project, one that would benefit the world- and she needed to know how to deal with it, handle it, if she was to promote it in guidelines that investors might understand.  Then there was her past which, while fraught with a serial killer maniac older brother and a mother who would rather see her daughter perish before the beloved son, was something she could say she was fine with.  She’d compartmentalized it in the years since her adoption, choosing instead to intellectualize every interaction with them rather than walk on the same broken shards of glass that likely had once been her heart.  She had grown used to separating these things, putting them into boxes, and being fine with everything that came toward her in the same format: things that she could fix and things that she could pretend no longer existed.   
  
But Kara… she fit in neither of those internal boxes.  She never had, and that alone was something that had sent the twenty-four year old off kilter from the start.  The girl, whose heart surpassed her beauty, whose gentleness gave the business woman more comfort than anything ever had before.  The blond could cradle the world in her hands, and yet still found time to prove herself kind to someone who’s brother had time and again threatened the livelihood of what was left of her alien family.  A Luthor did not deserve it, but there the young Kryptonian was… offering her heart to the one person who did not deserve it.   
  
Lena couldn’t help but believe that she deserved none of it- despite the fact that the blond had spent the last week doing her best to prove opposite.  The girl had come to her workplace, bearing more take-out than any normal human being could eat, more times than she thought there were meals in a day.  The two of them had spent possibly more time than they used to, seated upon the pristine white couch inside her spacious office, talking about anything except nothing at all.  Kara’s words echoed between them- but she did not push, did not pressure, to continue their unfinished conversation.

And yet, there was something more in her gaze whenever their eyes met, something hopeful yet refrained, reigned in firmly yet... it was like pulling against the tide.  There was a wanton desire within those godly blues, begging for something more than the answer they both already knew.  It was said, it had been felt- but there was a distance that was needed to be crossed before anything could happen.   
  
But that was an ocean, and right now… Now, they were working on a pond.   
  
Slow, careful fingers curled around the young Luthor’s pale palm as the television not too far from them flickered wistfully against their frames, the sun having set and their figures illuminated only by the film.  She could feel the rim of the girl’s glasses pressing against her shoulder, the blond leaning closer than she probably should.  It was an innocent movement- she knew that- and yet it set Lena’s skin aflame and her heart racing as every innocent movement done by her… something.   
  
Something.   
  
Lena’s jaw clenched quietly, a moment of respite in the darkness of the living room as the moon began to rise in the windows nearby, the thought becoming almost too much in itself.  She inhaled slow, thoughtful, doing her best to calm her heart as she felt the tips of her fingers start to silently tap out the sound of her anxiety spiking.  She shouldn’t be here- that much was for certain, considering her name alone.  She shouldn’t feel so comforted by the presence of the woman pressed light against her.  She shouldn’t even be touching her- she ruined everything she touched, as per the words that still echoed in her mind ever since he’d mother had said them near fifteen years ago.  Her mother had prove her words true time and again, proven that her daughter was worthless- and the young Kryptonian did not deserve that.   
  
But she did.   
  
“You’re thinking loudly,” a quiet voice interrupted, cracking under the weight of the clock’s hand as it ticked closer to one in the morning.  A yawn slowly made it’s way through the form beside her, rippling through the girl’s muscles like a stone hitting water, the response as timed as it was immediate.  “Do you want to talk about it?”   
  
Green glanced down at the head upon her shoulder, meeting with the blue that held it’s baggage under the white of her eyes.  How could she bring up the worry, the acknowledgement, that Kara deserved more?  How could she tell those doe-like orbs that it would be best to forget they ever spoke about being more, or even being anything?  The twenty-four year old clenched her jaw once more, a slow shake side to side a beat after the question she’d been asked.  It was simple, soft, but meaningful- “No.”  Because there wasn’t a way to say those things… not without harming her, and that was the last thing she wanted to do.  Carefully, she inhaled, pulling her gaze away from the young woman in an effort to ease her breathing, her heart rate, her soul.  Her chin lowered in remorse, having no fight to retaliate with as she heaved a silent sigh.  “... I’m sorry.”   
  
“You don’t have to be.”  The answer was simple, and yet it weighed heavily upon the older woman’s heart as the words settled between them.  Apologies were like oxygen to her- for the amount of times she wished to say them for all of her shortcomings, she could exhale with ease and not worry for replacement.  Kara didn’t seem to want to hear them, always claiming to not need them- but the caution remained, taunting.

 

Still, the hand holding her’s tightened lightly, and the young woman could only offer a soft remorseful sigh as a response.  Gentle blue eyes looked up from her shoulder, understanding and kind, and the girl’s thumb slowly drew careful circles upon the skin of her palm.  Something lingered within, echoing, and yet the Kryptonian allowed it to quell silently beyond the brunette’s understanding.  The screen flickered with pale colors, illuminating their skin, and Lena watched as azure orbs glanced briefly lower, only to raise them to meet green once more.

 

It took the businesswoman but a moment to realize that had caught the girl’s attention, and a moment more for her cheeks to grow rosey at the thought.  Neither moved, caught in the seconds that their imaginations took in wonder at the unsaid idea.  The twenty-four year old felt her heart pound despite herself, the movie not too far away deafened as her blood throbbed loudly within her.  For a fleeting minute, she wondered if the alien before her could hear it, could tell how even a hint set her organ racing.

 

Slowly, Kara’s fingers reached forward, gingerly brushing away a soft strand of hair that had fallen from behind the woman’s ear, adoringly returning it to it’s post… then lingered, the caress kind against the Luthor’s cheek as the reporter’s finger followed the curve.  “Can I… kiss you?”  The askance was almost too quiet, the blond’s words nearly unheard over the thundering sound of her own heart.  Once more, pale skin began to glow- this time a shade brighter than before, illuminated by the sheets of whites and yellows of the fluorescent television only bringing more attention to it.  
  
She wanted to say yes.  She wanted to take the leap forward, to plant her painted lips against the hero’s and let the night fade to grays and newfound colors as their feelings grew and matched the other’s… but the word remained, caught unhelpfully within her throat as reality began to crash.  No matter how often she wished to make it so, to burn the bridges that brought her back and forced her to recall, the word ‘yes’ had been lost to her.  
  
Even now, she could hear the whispers of her mother, reverberating on the walls of her soul, bouncing around as it always did within the confines of her head.  She wasn’t good enough, often too tired or too unwilling for much of the world around her; she worked too hard, and played too little.  She was the animal in this tale, and the witch had reminded her time and time again one simple, unerring fact- that _“no one could ever love a beast”_.

 

And that was what she was, with claws and horns and the capability to destroy people.  The beauty that others saw was the facade, hiding the wolf in sheep’s clothing cutting those down to size.

 

How someone so kind, so pure, so… perfect... could look at her and see a wilting rose, poised and falling apart at the stem, she’d never know.

 

Lena’s fingers unlatched, eyes averting as she silently began to build her small walls, fingers lightly curling around the blond’s palm as she took a slow, even breath.  The sapphires that had looked to her, filled with hope and prayer, fell, deepening into a darkened azure, the seas of the young woman’s eyes filling with turmoil.  “I’m sorry,” the brunette muttered, pained, hushed, the disappointment hanging low at her own actions.

 

This was what would cause her to leave, the businesswoman knew- the constant refusal of affection, the neediness that held tight to her fears and made it nearly impossible to even move in any direction…  It was a miracle that she hadn’t yet done so... and the Luthor woman wouldn’t blame her for when the time would pass.   
  
“No, no,” the Kryptonian rebuked, her tanned fingers stark against the paleness of the other, her palm drooping despite the conviction that remained in her tone.  The girl deserved someone superior, deserved... more.  “It’s fine.”  No matter how often she said it, claiming to have found solace despite the unhappiness, the back of her mind dripped with possibilities that the words were nothing more than a lie.  The reporter was often too kind, too willing- even at the cost of her own wants and needs.  Finally, Kara’s hand fell, returning to her side of the couch, her fingers moving to brush her own hair back- a nervous tick that the girl took to other than the glasses that adorned her face.  “I’m pushing.  You need time.”   
  
The brunette wished nothing more than for less time to be needed, but right now… that was not in the cards for them.  Meekly, the dark haired woman’s voice squeaked softly another, “I’m sorry”, unable to help herself as the guilt hit with full force.  She deserved to be left- that was what a sane person might do in this situation, wasn’t it?  “You deserve better.”   
  
Once more, a slow brush of the blond’s thumb lightly raked against the bumps of the twenty-four year old’s knuckles, drawing circles around each as she moved her touch along.  Lena felt her eyes close, taking what little comfort there was to give, her heart aching weakly on the other’s behalf.  It wasn’t fair.  “I want you,” Kara breathed, her tone like tea with honey- sweet with a hint of an honest flat taste.  Their fingers laced, slow and sure, meeting together with ease and comfort like two puzzle pieces fitting together.  “And I don’t think anyone’s better.”

  
Lena could only nod, not quite believing the words, an argument ready and willing on her tongue, yet… hope beckoned her to believe, if even for a moment.  The movie, although technically watched, remained forgotten as she let herself dream of the possibilities ahead.


End file.
